My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
