Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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