Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
