o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You ate ashes out of my bong
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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