dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
