I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
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Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
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Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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