Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
