You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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