I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
