my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
ttyl tear gas
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
