I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The adults are the big ones right?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
