I'm gonna have a badass scar
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
accomplished twins. life is a go
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
