Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
