So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
