in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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