I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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