you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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