Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
