It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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