Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
