I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
