Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
