As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
