Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
