He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
