So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
