you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
