I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
