i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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