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I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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