I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
