You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
