Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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