Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
