What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
