hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
