were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
