Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
