i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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