i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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