I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
