we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I would ride that face into the sunset
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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