R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
