i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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