fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
