i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
