I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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