Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
