I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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