i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
