if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
