He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
