the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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