Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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