i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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