She's JV to your varsity
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
