it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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