I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
