Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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