literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Randomize
