Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i out mim tonsoeep
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
