Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
